OK, so get this..., From the journal of Herkimer Shagnasty

     I was in the produce section in my grocery store the other day, lookin' for one of those do it yourself amputation kits they advertise on Martha Stewart all of the time, when I was approached by this kid dragging a pillow case full of marbles and old Kleenex behind him.  I was like - Hey kid?  You gonna eat that? - He didn't get it and quite frankly I didn't either.  Time to lay off the Isopropylene Nasal Douching.  That Doctor was a quack.  Cripes!  Who can you trust?  Bloody hell, all I wanted was what was rightly mine to begin with.  You know?  I dunno.  Anyhoo, so I couldn't find that amputation thingy so I bought a watermelon.  I figured what the hell.  Can't hurt none.  Wouldn't you know it though, soon as I pick up the damn melon, one of those automatic coupon dealies starts spittin' out all of these coupons for tampons and kitty litter.   I don't even have a dog dammit!  Makes me so mad.  I was really embarrassed, because by the time that infernal machine stopped, there was like two trees worth of glossy paper burying the fruit aisle and three old ladies.  They shouldn't drive anyway.  I mean, have you seen this?  I saw this gal doing 15 on a 65 driving like we were on switchback 34 in the Swiss Alps.  I guess her prescription windshield wasn't up to date or something.  I passed her and threw an old popsicle stick at her rear tire and yelled - See what you done?!  And I just hate Kleenex.  Dumb kid.  Stuff always sticks to my five'o'clock shadow like velcro on duct tape......or something.  Anyway, I thought I would just tell you how my week's been pretty much goin' what with the new skate boarding laws and all.  I can't quite figure it.  I mean what's the big deal?!  Is it an environmental issue?  Ah hell just make 'em solar.  Next thing you know it's Stellar Warming and then oh crap then what?  Just nuts isn't it?  I gotta two fer on Doritos at the convenience store the other day.  What a rip.  I think they just put the one bag amount into two bags for these promo deals.  It's just stupid.  I couldn't find a decent burger in the store to go with the chips and  that made me hotter than two ferrets humpin' in a wool sock!  Steamed I tell you!  I told that to my wife and she was like - So what?  Typical.  So I had a potato and just kept it to myself.  What else could I do?  I was outta chips anyway.  Back to the grocery store.  I hope that dumb kid's there.....

Herkimer Shagnasty
Common Citizen